January is a magical month. It really is. So much happens (well at least it does to me, but that may just be because I happen to be very, very popular) that “If you don’t stop to look around for a minute, you could miss it” –Ferris Bueller (senior yearbook quote ’09, anyone?)
You kick it all off with New Year’s Eve. Friends, parties, cute outfits, and fun … right? WRONG. Contrary to popular belief, New Year’s is by no means a time for celebrating. If I had a nickel for every time someone said, “LET’S DO SOMETHING REALLY FUN FOR NEW YEAR’S,” then I would be a much happier woman. Like honestly, is it necessary to say that? Here is my response: “Really, you want to do something fun? Nahh, I’d rather go to a party that gets broken up at 11:40 p.m. and have a policeman be calling my mother while the ball drops.” THAT, my friend, is the way to ring in the New Year!
But don’t worry; there are some sure-fire ways to make your New Year’s rock. For one, you can continuously repeat, “I’m just happy to be with all of my friends! Even if we are having a really, really s***|*y time … at least we’re all together!” Will this actually make your sucky New Years better? Will this erase your name from the cop’s notepad? Will this get you invited to any parties? No, no it won’t. But at least until midnight you can lie to yourself and say it will. You can also look happy in pictures … that way everyone will be tricked into believing that you were out having a really great time instead of wishing you were at home in your pajamas. “OMG, I saw the pics; your New Year’s looked so fun!” is generally the best response you can hope for. Here’s my advice: smile for a picture … cry yourself to sleep once you get home. Nice.
Another thing I love about January is snow. Did anyone else notice that it only snows on weekends, giving us absolutely no chance of a snow day?! And you know who I blame? Jeff. Young. He needs to STOP trying to ruin all of our lives! I would like to take this opportunity to remind everyone that as the actual GOD, it is not Jeffrey Young’s job to call in snow days; it is his job to actually make the snow. So do not create the Facebook group, “Jeff Young is the Worst Meteorologist Ever” when you should be creating the group “I Will No Longer Pray to the God That is Superintendent Young.”
But the absolutely best thing about January is Martin Luther King Day. However, this institution we call Newton Public Schools only gives us one day off to celebrate … REALLY? REALLY. One day? Why, we might as well come out as supporters of the KKK! It is also very, very sexist. INTERESTING how there’s no Rosa Parks Day. I will absolutely not come to school on Rosa Parks’ birthday. And if you don’t like it, well then you can just go play Powderpuff.
So in conclusion, enjoy January while you can! Before you know it, February will be here and you’ll be stressing out about Valentine’s Day and all of the really witty articles surrounding it that will engulf an issue of the Lions Roar.
