Seeing as this is my very last column and also seeing as I basically rule this school (hell yeah ‘09!!!!!!), I have deemed it my patriotic duty to point out some of the dos and don’ts that are absolutely necessary to surviving your time here.
Do: Continue reading.
Don’t: Take this advice lightly.
And good luck young(er) grasshoppers.
Do: Become senior columnist.
Do: Talk about how you haven’t slept in days because of all your ADVANCED PLACEMENT homework.
Don’t: Actually not sleep for days; it just makes you look like a crack addict.
Do: Take 1B math.
Don’t: Kid yourself by thinking you are as smart as a 1A kid. News flash – you’re not.
Do: Join Global Communities.
Don’t: Lose sight of the fact that there are some people outside of your B Block that do (although it’s probably just because they’re jealous that there wasn’t enough room for them in the class) still like capitalism.
Do: Attend an indie party.
Don’t: Be fooled by codenames. “DTPSTB” does not mean “Down To Put a Stop To Baldness.”
Do: Make claims like “IF CLASS ISN’T CANCELLED I WILL LEGIT KILL MYSELF.”
Don’t: Legit kill yourself. Just imagine the headline the next day in the Globe: “Student kills self due to teacher doing job.” I’m embarrassed for you just thinking about it.
Do: Watch Silence of the Lambs.
Don’t: Ask Skyler Fulton to explain why he’s “just like you.”
Do: Take that dreaded shortcut and brace the theater hallway.
Don’t: Scream “Oh my God, I am going to punch the next person who breaks out into song.”
Do: Watch “Britney Spears: For the Record.”
Don’t: Be embarrassed that you cried … I mean, humans weren’t meant to be made of stone!
Do: Attend at least one South sporting event.
Don’t: Be alarmed by the awkward silences.
Do: Remember that senior superlatives are just as serious as, if not more serious than, AIDS. And don’t let anyone ever tell you otherwise.
Don’t: Campaign for one and then lose … LAWL that’s just humiliating!
Do: Go to prom.
Don’t: Let it get out that your date is from an escort service.
Do: Watch American Idol (and vote for Adam Lambert!!!!!111! <33333).
Don’t: Admit it.
Do: Make a Facebook list of 25 random facts about you.
Don’t: Make the facts actually “random.” Think of it like a college essay: the people you are trying to impress here will determine whether the next four years of your life suck or rock. So make sure you subtly (or not-so-subtly) make yourself look like a rock star with “random” facts like, “I have never been dumped. And I’m not even just saying that … I guess no one’s ever wanted to stop dating me ;).”
Do: Say “Ugh, I’m so tired, I’m not even wearing any makeup today!”
Don’t: Actually not be wearing any makeup … come on, make an effort you lazy sac of s***|.
Do: Have 99 problems.
Don’t: Have one of them be a b***|*.
That’s all for now. It’s been real … ly stupid. Just kidding, you’re not stupid.
Do: Have a nice life.
Don’t: Miss me too much!
