The Home Stretch

For some reason, the gods of Newton South think it’s reasonable to test us on 180 days worth of learning in a one-week span. As the eager student that you are, you’ve probably blocked out extra hours of free time during this week’s two early release days to crack down on studying. Don’t worry, you will be productive, just maybe not in the way that you planned. You will inevitably study the linear relationship between between sour cream and beans at Tango Mango, not the graph of y=x. You will review the underlying social hierarchy of Facebook, but you will end up overlooking the caste system in India for your history final. You will memorize all the options that Fresh City has to offer (we recommend stir fry), but will fail to memorize the vocab words you should know for English. So take our advice. Stop lying to yourself and accept that these hours are meant for soaking up sun and hamburger grease at Uburger.

WEEK IN REVIEW-DOWNGRADE

A New Administration

Newton South has taught us well: success does stem from emulating the actions of deceased prominent political figures. After all, Jesus clearly rapped the “Sermon on the Mount,” President Lincoln quite obviously delivered the “Gettysburg Address” in breakdance form and Martin Luther King’s oratorical success was due to his fluency and adept skill in the Hebrew language. Shown in the diverse campaign speeches this year, our new class officers have obviously learned from the best. Whatever you do, don’t talk about your qualifications for being elected. That’s what Ralph Nader did, and it’s clearly a recipe for disaster. In other news, Ray Park surpassed Barack in Facebook Friends. Way to go Ray!

CAMPAIGNING IN STYLE-UPGRADE

Wacky Weather

It’s June. School’s almost over, summer is just around the corner and the weather … sucks. Over the past couple of weeks, instead of soaking up the rays, we’ve been subject to spontaneous tree-crushin’, power-line downin’ and ear shatterin’ thunder storms. So while we should all be at the beach right now sporting tan lines and smelling of sunscreen, we’re not, because the weather is changing almost as much as relationship statuses nowadays. Waiting on the weather to change – DOWNGRADE

Early Release

For most of us, an early release means a luxurious afternoon eating away our troubles at a indistinct, subpar burger establishment that probably none of your hipster friends go to. But for the robots bred between June 7 and June 19 at 140 Brandeis Road, early releases mean quite the opposite. For members of this neurotic and crazed species, common among South but rare in the actual world, the sound of the 11:00 a.m. bell is only a cue to start a rapid sprint out of school (via the auditorium entrance — we all know the looks you’d get if you passed the commons), down Brandeis and then straight home. Once at home, these creatures are known to open the door, climb directly up stairs to their rooms, sprawl out their binders, notebooks, DBQ’s, timelines, math tests, chem. labs and doodles from the past 180 days and dive in. Yum. Who needs Uburger when you have the quadratic formula to munch on? Finals ruin lives—DOWNGRADE