"This is my truck"
What’s not to love? Our new senator drives a pickup truck, his daughters are apparently single (and fair game) and he can even spell Massachusetts correctly. Not to mention, he looks damn good in a suit — and, as we’ve seen, without one. We hope these qualities will help him in Washington, when he mounts the “people’s seat” to vote against everything the people in our state favor. Red, blue and Brown — UPGRADE?
Mega-Monday
Mondays are never, ever okay; the 20-minute extension almost provoked a student rebellion. Reminded that the most popular form of student uprisings involve the pulling of a fire alarm, we propose that South implement a few modest precautions to ensure the capture of such criminals and return our students to the comforting confinement of a classroom. The first would be the installation of deer traps around all fire alarm locations, and the second the placing of fire-breathing dragons next to each. Not only would any perpetrator be hoisted into the air and likely incinerated, but in the event of a real fire — when a dragon sneezes, for example — we could remain comforted knowing that at least our alarms were unscathed, and it would afterward be highly unlikely that any student wishing to pull one would still be alive. It's getting hot in here — DOWNGRADE
Slump: no myth
For seniors, the start of third term only means one thing: the mystical slump. So what if our teachers don't acknowledge the official start of the season and still assign the same amount of work? So what if we're taking AP tests in May? Just ask the senior carrying three textbooks in the library; she'll confirm that she is, in fact, living the dream. Slump is REAL, guys, we swear. But either way, it gives us the right to scream, "Sluuump!" in the hallway, wear pajamas to school and pretend we don't have homework, and for now that's good enough. Slump crunk — UPGRADE
